I have a theory about the Greyhound bus system: No one who works for Greyhound wants to work for Greyhound. And no one who rides Greyhound wants to ride Greyhound.
One of my friends back home has ridden the buses extensively and calls the company The Dirty Dog. And with good reason. Every seat is stained, there’s barely enough legroom to keep from putting your knees into the seat in front of you, air conditioning vents are often broken and stuck open (I had to stuff a sock in one to keep from freezing on the trip from San Antonio to Houston), most riders look and smell like they haven’t showered in a few days, and customer service appears to be nowhere on the company’s list of priorities. In fact, you’re inconveniencing the employees by purchasing a ticket.
Of the seven buses I’ve been on in the past two weeks, I’ve met exactly two ‘friendly’ drivers (I use the term in its loosest sense) and one friendly baggage handler. All ticket agents apparently hate their lives, and most drivers hate people. One driver in particular, on the trip from Houston to New Orleans, heard a comment from a rider that set her off. I was in the back of the bus, and missed the comment, but heard the driver’s response. As we pulled out of a stop in Beaumont, Texas, she came on the loudspeaker and shouted, “Well, somebody had to be in charge, and today it happened to be me! If you don’t follow the rules, you don’t ride!”
Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of assholes riding Greyhound buses and it’s understandable that drivers would put up their defenses. (One intoxicated rider on the bus from New Orleans to Mobile couldn’t keep his peanut gallery locked up, so the driver promptly sent him back a few rows, where he could annoy other people. “Oh … fat, white and rich,” he inexplicably sighed as we entered Gulfport, Miss. “Let’s go Red Sox!” he repeatedly chanted for no apparent reason.) But when a driver is nasty right from the start, it invites further assholishness from riders, and doesn’t do much for the already tarnished company image.
In observing the behavior of Greyhound workers during the past fortnight, I’ve come up with what I believe to be The Dirty Dog’s policies and procedures for employees:
- Always be quick to anger and slow to help
- Remember: You work for Greyhound. Your life sucks. Take it out on the riders.
- Answer rider questions in the most confusing manner possible
- Smiling is forbidden among ticket agents
- Drivers must address all patrons with disdain, no matter their age, race, health conditions or economic class. It helps to think of riders as unwanted little bastard children that you’re forced to tolerate because you married their wealthy mother.
- Interior bus temperature shall never exceed 50 degrees Fahrenheit
- Timeliness is not important
- Nor is technology. If buses in South America are more modern than ours, who cares? As long as we don’t have any competition, we can operate shoddy equipment.
- Onboard bathroom must not be cleaned and maintained more than once per year
- Drivers should mumble whenever addressing customers
- If a customer asks a question, come up with any reason to snap at them, even if it’s easier to give a straightforward answer. (On the bus from Tallahassee to Tampa, a little boy up front politely asked the driver as we were pulling into a station what the next stop would be. Annoyed, she dismissed the boy, saying, “I’ll make an announcement when we start back up.” It would have been easier to say, “Tampa,” but hey, why be nice to the little bastard? This is Greyhound, after all.)
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