Richard Fairweatherbottom Ritzcarlton sat in the Excessive Gentlemen’s Club for the Excessive Use of Excess (the extra ‘excessives’ were not meant to be redundant, only excessive) and pondered his excessiveness. He stroked his beard – which was far softer than necessary, thanks to a team of 11 barbers who he paid handsomely – and lit his one-of-a-kind, 24-inch Cuban cigar with the flame from a burning Persian rug.
As he puffed on the cigar, he caressed the baby seal-head handles on the arms of his satin and mahogany overstuffed chair which, of course, was just enormous. The chair was so cushy and comfortable he could have sat naked on it, but instead he wrapped himself in fur coats and became exceedingly sweaty. To counter this, he cranked up the air conditioning and drank copious amounts of water.